Monday, November 3, 2008

An unwelcome guest

I was in my kitchen, taking the foil off a hot pan of lasagna (yum) and waiting for the other two thirds of the trifecta to arrive so we could watch our DVR-ed episode of TrueBlood, when I heard Noe talking to Ralph.

"What are you looking at, Ralphus?" he said.

I paid no mind. Ralph often finds weird little odds and ends to play with and spends an inordinate amount of time staring out windows at squirrels, dogs, and other cats.

Then I heard Noe go "Oh, my god! Come here! Look what Ralph's got!"

Slightly annoyed - I was trying to get dinner out of the oven and ready to serve before the girls arrived with wine and side dishes - I put down my oven mitts and walked into the living room, where I found Noe giggling and Ralph batting around a snake.

Yes, that's right. A snake. In my house.

I was not even remotely inclined to giggle.

Our unwelcome visitor.
In all honesty, this picture is pretty true-to-size. He was not large.

This may seem weird - after all, I have touched several large snakes, skinks, and lizards at the aquarium, and I handle raw fish on a weekly basis. But something about the idea of that four-inch garter snake in my house was very unsettling.

"Get it out!" I responded.

Instead of getting out, Noe poked it. Ralph batted it. I stood there yelling at the two of them and they - both of them, man and cat - just played with the damn thing.

The snake, to his (her?) credit, didn't really do any slithering or any other snake-like things. His back end was bent at a weird angle - I think perhaps Ralph bit him or tried to pick him up - and he was probably in shock.

Kind of like me...shocked at finding a snake in my house, where it definitely does not belong.

"Noe, take it away from him!" I snapped. I was getting exasperated. So Noe took it away from Ralph, who made several attempts to bat it out of his hand in the process.

Only Noe did not take the snake outside, as I had intended him to do. He put it in a Tupperware contained and poked holes in it so the snake could breathe, with Ralph meowing at his feet during the entire process.

"Noe, get rid of that thing." I had had it by now.

"I want to show the girls!" was his reply.

I want to show the girls. Because most girls want to see a snake in someone's house. Honestly, this was like a little kid who picks up worms on the playground.

The girls arrived not five minutes later, and Noe showed them the snake. (Luckily the girls had seen garter snakes in houses before and were not totally disgusted, although I was mortified.) After they congratulated Ralph on his hunt, I politely asked Noe to take the snake outside while I opened the wine. Instead, Noe put the Tupperware container in a warm spot under a light on the counter so the snake could warm up.

That damn snake is still sitting in a Tupperware container on my kitchen counter. It had better be gone by the time I finish this post.

Perhaps I will just put it outside myself.

Exhausted Ralph after the hunt.

4 comments:

Cailin said...

Noe is crazy - this made me laugh so hard I almost peed my pants

Amanda said...

Did you hear the good news???
Maybe Steve wants it

THose were the best Noe quotes all night.

Bobby G said...

WOW! im amaze3d at how you handled that if a snake was in our house bridgette would freak the fuck out!

Becky said...

OMG I'd have peed myself. I HATE snakes. I would have made Jason pack up all of our stuff and move to a new house.